Wild at heart

I've started reading Wild at heart and at the moment I am on chapter five.

I don't know what it is about this book but it really makes me want to get out and do things.  The things that every man wants to do, but maybe never does.  I want to learn to farm.  Both sides of my family have huge invested interest in agriculture.  My dad although a computer techi has worked on a farm and ranch.  It's one thing that I regret.  I have grown up missing something that almost calls from my heritage.  The outdoors, the animals and everything that goes along with relying on God to provide through nature are something that I have not truly been exposed to and I have no idea how I will ever gain this.

I want experience.  Truly, farming is not my passion, but it is something that I find represented in my father that he never passed on to me.  I have learned music, technology, math and many other things in his shadow.  Never have I learned them from him, but with the idea that he has something that I want.  I get the feeling that he has never given it to me.  That all the things I love, all the things I know how to do and all the things I want to do with my life have come from my own ability or someone besides my father.

John Eldredge talks about about the wound that a father gives to his son.  He mentions the idea that most men have this innate reaction to their fathers.  That they do not want to be like them.  I have said to myself before that I will never be like my father, but I know for a fact that even though my father has many things that I want.  Unfortunately I feel like it is too late for him to pass them on.

I want so desperately to be like him and different at the same time.  I want what he has, but I want to improve where he has failed.  I want my own life, I want my wound healed, I want to be God's man, but most of all, I want to be wild at heart.

I want to be unpredictably dangerous.  Not the kind of dangerous that destroys, but the dangerous that changes lives.  I know for a fact that Jesus never killed anyone, but he did force people to reevaluate their ideals.

I am again going to enter the trapping world of school, finance and work in a month.  I pray that I will not be bogged down by the pressures of this life, but set free through chaos.