Thursday, July 31, 2008


Friends are something that die hard.  They're something to cherish and love, they stick closer than a brother in hard times.


They're also a pain in the butt.

Especially when said friends do not know when to let go, or how to actually be a good friend in return.

I have changed a lot in the past month.  Some things have come into perspective, my priorities have changed and to top it all off I am leaving in 3 weeks.  Scary stuff.  I am not going to see most of my high school friends for a long time.  It will take work on both parties to keep in touch and perpetuate the friendship past the trials of high school.

(Disclaimer, I was going to name some people.  I desperately love these people and I am good enough friends with them that I have a good idea what their motives, thoughts and feelings are.  I want the best for them.  I decided, code names are in order for their future social safety)

(I lied, I am not going to go into the gory details...tonight anyway)

Some of my friends just have no idea how to be a friend.  IE, I'm tired of doing all the work to sustain a friendship that will probly end when I leave for college.

There is really nothing left that I can do, it is no longer in my hands.  I don't really want the friendship to end, but I'm tired of investing in something with absolutely no return.  It's not like this has only been going on for a month or so.  I'm talking about all school year.

Sigh, all I can do now is pray and wait.  Lame.

Wednesday, July 30, 2008


Holy cow I have been afraid the past week.  I have a few reasons why, but last night at 2 AM I came to the realization that my fears are largely unfounded.

I am afraid that I am going to lose my lady friend.  There is absolutely no evidence for this, my mind is creating these ideas, because I have found something that I never want to lose, but I know that it is a definite possibility.  Some things just are out of my hands.

I am afraid I am going to ruin my future.  Now this may be well founded, I have issues, but the reality is life so far has equiped me well I think.  In no way am I prepared, but I have been given the necessities to survive.

I am also afraid God is going to take away the things I love.  And he might, but I know that he has only the best in store for me and even though at the moment it may seem like hell his plan is grander that whatever I see in front of me.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Wild at heart

I've started reading Wild at heart and at the moment I am on chapter five.

I don't know what it is about this book but it really makes me want to get out and do things.  The things that every man wants to do, but maybe never does.  I want to learn to farm.  Both sides of my family have huge invested interest in agriculture.  My dad although a computer techi has worked on a farm and ranch.  It's one thing that I regret.  I have grown up missing something that almost calls from my heritage.  The outdoors, the animals and everything that goes along with relying on God to provide through nature are something that I have not truly been exposed to and I have no idea how I will ever gain this.

I want experience.  Truly, farming is not my passion, but it is something that I find represented in my father that he never passed on to me.  I have learned music, technology, math and many other things in his shadow.  Never have I learned them from him, but with the idea that he has something that I want.  I get the feeling that he has never given it to me.  That all the things I love, all the things I know how to do and all the things I want to do with my life have come from my own ability or someone besides my father.

John Eldredge talks about about the wound that a father gives to his son.  He mentions the idea that most men have this innate reaction to their fathers.  That they do not want to be like them.  I have said to myself before that I will never be like my father, but I know for a fact that even though my father has many things that I want.  Unfortunately I feel like it is too late for him to pass them on.

I want so desperately to be like him and different at the same time.  I want what he has, but I want to improve where he has failed.  I want my own life, I want my wound healed, I want to be God's man, but most of all, I want to be wild at heart.

I want to be unpredictably dangerous.  Not the kind of dangerous that destroys, but the dangerous that changes lives.  I know for a fact that Jesus never killed anyone, but he did force people to reevaluate their ideals.

I am again going to enter the trapping world of school, finance and work in a month.  I pray that I will not be bogged down by the pressures of this life, but set free through chaos.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Lyrics of the NETSD, Gone

Gone by Switchfoot

She told him she'd rather fix her makeup
Than try and fix what's going on
But the problem keeps on calling
Even with the cellphone gone
She told him that she believes in living
Bigger than she's living now
But her world keeps spinning backwards
And upsidedown
Don't say so long, and throw yourself wrong
Don't spend today away
Cuz today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is
Gone, just trying to prove me wrong
And pretend like you're immortal

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every day we borrow
Brings us one step closer to the edge
Where's your treasure, where's your hope
If you get the world and lose your soul
She pretends like she pretends she's immortal
Don't say so long
You're not that far gone
This could be your big chance to makeup
Today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,
Like history is gone,
The world keeps spinning on,
Your going going gone,
Like summer break is gone.
Like saturday is gone
Just try and prove me wrong
You pretend like your immortal

We are not infinite
We are not permanent
Nothing is immediate
We're so confident
In our accomplishments
Look at our decadence

Gone, like Frank Sinatra
Like Elvis and his mom
Like Al Pacino's cash nothing lasts in this life
My highschool dreams are gone
My childhood sweets are gone
Life is a day that doesn't last long

Life is more than money
Time was never money
Time was never cash,
Life is still more than girls
Life is more than hundred dollar bills
And roto-tom fills
Life's more than fame and rock and roll and thrills
All the riches of kings
End up in wills we got information in the information age
But do we know what life is
Outside of our convenient Lexus cages

She said he said live like no tomorrow
Every moment that we borrow
Brings us closer to the God who's not short on cash
Hey Bono I'm glad you asked
Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


I have a problem.

Not severely life threatening, but it definitely affects me in ways I do not understand.

I get depressed.  Now the first time I heard of people getting depressed regularly, or when it was first mentioned as a problem people might have that won't go away, I was skeptical.  I mean really, people who just get sad for no reason over and over without any obvious trigger?  Poppycock.

But the reality is, depression is a problem.  One I only half know how to deal with.  I don't really have a clue what it stems from and I don't really like to think about it, but sometimes it just hits me.

Take today for example.  My lady friend and I have a lovely breakfast at Panera.  Thats probly the second time that we have been able to get away from people we know in public and just hang out.  It was loads of fun.  My day is going great and then around 2 o'clock I get hit by this wall.  Major joy sucker, and it isn't the first time this has happened to me, where my day is going great and I just crash.

The best way I have found to deal with depression is take my focus off of me.  The last thing I need is pity in those moments because that will only make it worse.  I need to shift my eyes from my wallowing wretch of a mud heap onto something bigger than myself.

The radio in these times is a wonderful way to be blessed.  When the song choice is left up to God he sends me exactly what I need for that moment.

It also helps to sing your heart out at the top of your lungs, so if you saw a guy who looked like he was insane driving a red pickup around 5:50 today, I'm sorry I startled you.  Get over it.

And so now, at 7 PM, I am perfectly fine.  Strange how God works eh?

Lyrics of the NETSD, Hey Jude

Hey Jude by The Beatles

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.
Take a sad song and make it better.
Remember to let her into your heart, 
Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid.
You were made to go out and get her.
The minute you let her under your skin,
Then you will begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,
Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.
For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool
By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don't let me down.
You have found her, now go and get her.
Remember to let her into your heart,
Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,
You're waiting for someone to preform with.
And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do,
The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Lyrics of the NETSD, Daylight

Daylight by Remedy Drive

Has everything you've counted on
Left you right here with no warning
Have your dreams become invisible
Wait with me dear till the morning
Light will make the night burnout

Hold on
Daylight is coming
To break the dawn
Daylight is coming

The brightest stars are falling down
Is hope lost in the black skies
The darkness must precede the dawn
Wait with me here till the sunrise
Wait, your night will soon fade out

Hold on
Daylight is coming
To break the dawn
Daylight is coming
Daylight is coming

Shock value

Muse, April 28, 2008

I am a shocker.  I like to shock people.  I love to see the surprised, doomed look on people's faces when the unexpected comes.  I have a few accomplices in my war on the mundane.  Coleton sings in Calculus, Suzanna eats bugs and Spencer, well Spencer just disappears during group photos.  But what motivates us besides the immediate pained expression?

Is it the joy of the moment, the fact that no one, including ourselves, knows what is coming next or is it fear?

I really settle with the later.  I, no everyone, fears.  We all crave the acceptance from someone and surprise is just a way of grasping for a little signal, a laugh or a smile.

So next time I surprise you withe something equally random, be prepared and share the love.

Everyday I dream

Muse, April 28, 2008

I dream.  I really do.  I can't even tell if this is a problem or not.  I just drift off, lose focus and disappear into my own reality.  It's actually pretty fun, who else can go "save (insert female here), save the world" besides Link or Hiro?

Unfortunately reality does not support such fantastic dreams.  Reality is stuck, unchanging.  Kinda creates a boring world right?

Hah, now there I have you.  this world is anything but boring.  I can't even breathe for more than 10 minutes without randomly stumbling somewhere I do not belong.  So what's the real point of TV, books, comics, video games and movies?  Obviously it's an escape from reality, but with reality just as painful and exciting as what people can dream up, why settle for nothing less than both?

As the crow flies

Muse, April 3, 2008

Recently while driving to Night of the Stars the inhabitants of my Astro Van described me as lost.  Now I've driven downtown before, but I don;t know the street names or general location of anything besides the Courthouse, Chukchansi Park and the Hospital.  I find my way mostly by memory and area recognition.  I knew exactly where I was, but not where I was going.

But here's where the conflict lies.  I had to fight a basic carnal instinct of males everywhere.  I asked for directions.  I admit it, I failed my maile brethren everywhere.  I confess it will be a long road of recovery but I am sure I will be able to pick my pride out of the dirt and dust it off.

I could have printed directions off of Google, Fresno Christian could have better advertised the locale of the event (we had trouble finding the dining place even though I knew where the Wilson theater is) or I could have driven with more knowledgeable companions.  Being under the influence of testosterone pretty much removed all of these options.

Luckily I had my handy dandy cell phone.  I called and I got, well, I got nothing.  My admission of failure was met with little to no help.  I don't blame my dad, but he's a lot like I am.  He had to be there and see the streets, buildings and hobos.

Eventually I found it.  I made the turn, looked over my shoulder and saw the glorious sun setting over a parking spot across from Wilson Theater.  So next time you know exactly where you are but no idea where you are going, don't worry.  Eventually the destination will be found.

The end is just beginning

Muse, April 1st, 2008

Night of the Stars is over.  The awards have been doled out and the seniors actually did well for themselves with five trophies this year.  Being so involved with this year's production definitely cut down on my homework and free time, but I thought it would get easier now that it's over.

Unfortunately it seems that this last big push won't end till May 23.  I would really love to have less stress but most of my workload and problems stem from school-related activities.  Our journalism competition ends Friday and I have a hardcopy deadline on Friday along with the next piece of our senior project.  On top of all of that I have yet to start my SlickRock competition commercial which is due on Thursday.

Not to sound arrogant, I have really brought all of this down on myself, but I know that other students have the same problems right now.  For seniors college is looming, for other students sports and extracurricular activities and on top of everything finals will appear quickly and suddenly.

I don't want less work.  All of the things I need to do are necessary, but the last thing I need is more.  I am sure I could organize everything in a tight schedule so that I get everything done on time, but where would the fun in that be?

Movie woes

Muse, March 20, 2008

Fresno Christian has an annual tradition that really, lets just say, it forces a courageous few into a week of hell.  I would name those at fault, but I really have no idea who they are.

I know that Night of the Stars was moved back a couple months to give everyone more time to work on their movie, but the reality is that it did not happen.  Every year the movies get put off till the last minute.  That is just how this whole movie thing works.

We have passionate people, but no one is getting paid.  This is a highschool production of big budget films.  The sophomores are remaking Forest Gump which won 6 Oscars and earned 667 million dollars worldwide.  The juniors are remaking Back to the Future which grossed 416 million dollars.

With such big undertakings someone is sure to fail, but the point really isn't an amazing movie.  The point is to make fools of ourselves.

This is why this year the seniors picked Clue, well, it really isn't, but Clue is a movie that most people haven't seen even though it will be easily recognizable.  Our cast is under very little pressure to preform like the actors and actresses in the original.  Unfortunately, this does not give them the inherent ability to act, but it's jut a NOTS movie so I'm not worried.

What really worries me is the fact that our movie must be done by Wednesday and we are no where near done filming.

Peer pressure

Muse, March 14, 2008

A lot of this post will be in response to Suzanna Quiring's post When Titanic meets As the World Turns.  The majority of her post centered around the idea that boyfriend and girlfriend relationships in high school are next to meaningless.

On one hand I agree, the potential for these relationships to last through college is very slim.  Not impossible, but college does things to people and usually the couple will not attend the same college.  College plus a long distance relationship does not equal smooth sailing.

But on the other hand, the peer pressure caused by relationships is mostly self inflicted.  I really do not desire a girlfriend right now.  Highschool, preparing for college, NOTS and my friends consume my life.  I can hardly find time to do my math homework much less make time for a serious relationship.

I have removed myself from this self-infliction by acquiring a certain mindset.  Suzanna says that "A boyfriend or girlfriend makes us feel accepted and appreciated," but I don't think this is healthy or even necessary.  Relationships drive lives and if acceptance and appreciation can not be found from those around us something is wrong.

Now does this mean if someone came along that I would immediately turn them down?  No, because relationships drive my life deliberate thought would have to be put into this.

My speech in AcaDec definitely helped me understand a piece of this.  If we as humans are so prone to assume that people can read our minds how can we hope to have a successful relationship?  Communication is key and being able to communicate well only comes from practice.  Now, I am not advocating dating so that people can get "practice" in for marriage, but having healthy relationships with many people is necessary.

This is where I agree with Suzanna, dating for the title of boyfriend or girlfriend or anything like that is a waste of both parties time.  However, I have many meaningless relationships with people that I have never dated.  I'd list some but I don't want to make these people cry.


Muse, March 12, 2008

Night of the Stars is coming up and the seniors still haven't started filming.  I admit, this is somewhat my fault, but the reality is that seniors are stinking busy.

No matter who I turn to for acting, everyone is busy and so I fear that we might not have a movie this year.  No, I lie, we will, but it may not be as pretty or timely as we had hoped.  If worse comes to worse we will just show the actual movie.  No, I lie again.  We'll watch something way more exciting, like The Lord of the Rings or Stardust.

And so, I am sure everyone will be surprised that fateful Saturday night because absolutely no one knows what is going on.

Thank you teachers

Muse, March 1o, 2008

Working for The Feather has taught me many things, some unimportant, others life changing.  One of the big things I have gained sitting next to our editor-in-chief is a certain sort of empathy.  I can now say with some authority that being an English teacher is extremely difficult and the same goes for all sorts of teaching.

How do you grade a paper or assignment correctly without coming across harsh and demanding?  How do you effectively deal with someone who is extremely ignorant but thinks they can do everything?

The answer to these questions can only be learned through experience and wisdom.  So thank you teachers for putting up with ignorance and bad attitudes to teach the teachable and even those who adamantly refuse to admit that they want to be at school.  And unfortunately, just because I am bringing this subject up does not mean I am not included in this "list of ignorance."


During my stay on The Feather staff as Layout and Design Editor my senior year I took up a blog titled Muse.  I am going to attempt to transfer these blogs over to this blog one by one.  Maybe I'll get through all of them today.

March 7, 2008


Blogging, a combination of a journal and a published work.

So a little about the title and the category.  A muse is a mythological spirit/god that gives people ideas for creative art.  There are muses for music, painting, writing and acting.  The works.  It's also a band.  Musing though, is deep concentrated thought on a topic or subject.  We'll see if that actually happens, if I can stay on one topic for very long.  Beginnings on the other hand connotes a dawn, a birth and the creation of something new.

It is the beginning and even though we or I are halfway through the school year, this is the beginning of a wonderfully eccentric blog.  Expect nothing and you will receive much.

I've heard that I'm supposed to ask questions and search for responses to my blog but really, I don't care.  I will be overjoyed if I get responses but the fact of the matter is that this is not for a grade or for anyone reading this.

I don't yet know what this is for but by the end, I am sure something interesting and hopefully life changing will have happened, either that or terribly excruciating.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I am tired...

of wanting to say things to people, to hold a conversation, but not being able to because of an abundance of unwanted "eavesdroppers."

Now I know in my heart that people aren't eavesdropping intentionally at least, but in my head it is impossible to find a quite crowd.  Those public places where it doesn't matter what you say because no one cares.

Take for example a starbucks.  I swear more under the table deals, secret conversations and illegal transactions take place in starbucks than any other place in the world.  Coffee shops are a spy's paradise.

Unfortunately I do not at the moment have the freedom to steal said people away to a quiet respite surrounded by unknowing multitudes, but that day will come (maybe next week) where we can escape from the prying eyes and the all too ready ears.

Just an FYI, churches are not this place.  More gossip happens under the roofs of God than any other place.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

Lyrics of the nothing else to say day, A Beautiful Collision

I think I'm going to shorten that to NETSD.

Basically, instead of every wednesday having Lyrics of the Week, I am going to have lyrics of "whenever I can't think of anything better to say about my life that I haven't already said".

Today is that day.

With that, I proudly present Lyrics of the NETSD.  Today's song is A Beautiful Collision, by David Crowder.

A Beautiful Collision

The heart breaking makes a sound
I never knew could be
So beautiful and loud
Fury filled and we collide

So courageous until now
Fumbling and scared
So afraid You'll find me out,
Alone here with my doubt

Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now.
There seems no end to where You begin and there I am now
You and I collide

Something circling inside,
Spaciously you fly
Infinite and wide,
Like the moon and sky

Here it comes, a beautiful collision
Is happening now.
There seems no end to where you begin and there I am now
You and I, collide

Just a personal note on this song.  I used it in my Salutatorian speech, and I thought it was awesome, mostly, cause it was the shortest speech that night.  Mwahaha.  And I speak pretty fast when on stage.  Not exactly a comfort zone.

Friday, July 18, 2008


Normally, I really detest my birthday.  I am not into gifts and I have no idea why this is.  I kinda think that most people see birthdays as a way to rip people off, or just get gifts.  And I don't like this.  My birthday is not a chance to get stuff from people.  I think this is the same reason I don't really like Christmas that much.

But, today was one of the best birthdays I have ever had.  Not cause I did anything special, or cause I got stuff from my family.  I did get some sweet stuff, but the thing that made my day did not happen till 9:14.

I am so blessed.

It is...

3 in the morning on my birthday and I just saw The Dark Knight.

Why do I get the feeling today is going to go downhill before it goes back up?

Rollercoaster is an understatement.

Thursday, July 17, 2008


Nothing has changed.  Same as yesterday, I have no clue how I'm going to make it through the next week and a half, I don't understand women, I don't know what I'm supposed to do for the rest of my life, I don't know what God is trying to tell me, I don't know how I am going to pay for college and the list goes on.

I am kinda sad Kati and I won't be going to see Music Man together, but more important things have come up.  There will always be more musicals to see.

I am more and more doubting my ability to discern what is best for me in the moment.

I think I am beginning to see a pattern here and I don't like it, cause it's gonna be hard to kick.  Something that will take more than two weeks.  Maybe a lifetime.  Sigh.  At least I know what it points to.

All I need is someone to walk with me.

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

1 Thessalonians

I've been reading first Thessalonians, yes the Bible *gasp*, and I don't get it.

In chapter 2 Paul basically says that he was not trying to screw them over with lies and treachery.  He builds the case that his motives were pure and that he lived before God not men.  It definitely seems like he's admonishing the people who live in Thessalonica for doubting him.

But in chapter 3 he says that the churches faith and perseverance had helped to strengthen him and give him hope.  That their conduct had given him encouragement.  If this is what he is saying, and it is, what is the point of chapter 2?

I don't understand.

Lyrics of the week

It's Wednesday and with today I start a new tradition, the Lyrics of the week, which will hopefully update every Wednesday.

Deliver Me

Deliver me out of the sadness
Deliver me out of the madness
Deliver me courage to guide me
Deliver me Your strength inside me

All of my life
I've been in hiding
Wishing there was someone just like You
Now that You're here
Now that I've found you
I know that You're the One to pull me through

Deliver me loving and caring
Deliver me giving and sharing
Deliver this cross that I'm bearing

Oh, deliver me

Spanish 2

At Biola my schedule says I have Spanish 2 every day from 8:30 to 9:20 and I can't seem to get Spanish 2 at Fresno Christian out of my mind.

That was one of the worst classes I have ever taken for one reason.  My teacher was terrible.

Now yes, she'd probly cry if she read this, but she had no authority in the classroom and I would be willing to tell that to her face.  There was no control, we did whatever the heck we wanted.

Unfortunately I did not learn very much Spanish.

I really hope this changes at Biola, because the thing I hated the most was not Spanish itself, which I blamed for everything, but the class, the teacher and the other students.  I really want to actually learn something in this class and maybe even have a working knowledge of spanish such that I can effectively communicate using it.

We can all dream right?


I keep describing my state to people as emotionally tired.  I don't even know what this means, it just sounds painful.  Haha.

I think it's a combination of riding the emotional rollercoaster of life and me depriving myself.  It's strange how easy it is to hurt myself and I'm not talking physically.  I don't understand how movie characters can sew their own wounds up.

No, I'm talking forcing myself to commit to situations, deals, plans, my future, and God despite the pain involved.  It's also weird how my mind tries to forget the pain even though it can't.  I also dreamed for the first time in weeks last night.  Strange stuff.

I am also really enjoying David Crowder's Sunset and Sushi cd.  He has such a unique style, I love it.

My friends need to start getting up earlier...

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Biola classes

So I got my schedule for my first semester at Biola.  Unfortunately I have a class every day of the week at 8:30 to 9:20.  I get the feeling I might accidently miss some of those.  Sigh.

Spanish 2- 8:30 to 9:20
OT History and Literature- 3 to 4:15

Spanish 2- 8:30 to 9:20
Art of Storytelling- 10:30 to 1:20
Visual Aesthetics- 1:30 to 2:45

Spanish 2- 8:30 to 9:20
First Year Seminar: CMA- 11:30 to 1:10
OT History and Literature- 3 to 4:15

Spanish 2- 8:30 to 9:20
Visual Aesthetics- 1:30 to 2:45
Foundations of Christian Thought- 3 to 5:50

Spanish 2- 8:30 to 9:20

That's a lot of stuff.  17 units and 6 of which are pure Bible classes.  I am excited though, and extremely glad I passes all my AP tests.  I don't think I will need to take a single math class and I am not sure about English.

On a totally unrelated note, if YOU are reading this, and YOU know who YOU are, consume the bananas.  They will go bad by the time I can retrieve them, and I don't want them going to waste.


Arenas did not go very well yesterday.  Carson and I went 5-5 so I think our rating went up a little, but were still in the 1350s which is meh.  We finally did 3s with Allyourbase, which was pretty fun.  I think we went 3-7 so we lost more than we won, but it was our first time so I'm not too disappointed.

I think I bring the teams down a little, because as a druid I have about 20 abilities I can use for pvp in caster form.  This doesn't even include my ability to go into bear and bash, or into cat and attempt to stun someone.  I need way more practice getting used to chain cycloning someone while keeping roots up one someone else while also dpsing and healing.  I can see how natures swiftness would be an awesome spell to have, an instant 4-6k health would probly devastate the other team.  Unfortunately I find my treants too useful to respec.

I think well get about 300-375 points from our 3s team.

Unfortunately with all the stuff Carson and I have going on I am not sure when we will be able to do 2s or 3s again.  It's kinda going to be a crazy week, and I already miss, someone.  Hah.

Monday, July 14, 2008

Long day

It's been a long day, but I made it, and I got an hour two left of stuff I wanna get done.  It's crazy how when we people make a commitment we try to find ways to rationalize breaking it.  It's even worse when the pain is self inflicted.

But, we grow through pain and trials.  There is just something that need to be done, need to be thought out and need to be pursued.

I wanted to play drums today and learn a few chords on the guitar, but neither of those happened.  And now I have people sleeping next to my room.  Humbug.

Will be doing arenas soon, hopefully Carson and I can get our rating up.  Moonkin/warlock is kind of a weird combo.  We have good cc and good damage.  He can't do much burst dmg and my heals are meh, but the more we play the better we should get.  As of now I think our biggest problem is communication and anticipating what the other person is going to do.


Sometimes I just don't understand why I do things, or who leads me to do them, but yesterday had to have been one of the most stress-filled, gloriously painful days I have had in a long time.

God reminded me of everything yesterday, what I have left behind and what I need to relearn.  I'm basically forcing myself for 2 weeks to focus on him and not many of the other things around me.  This is going to be extremely difficult, I don't want to grow complacent in my relationship with God or people.  I'm remembering things that I wish I had not forgotten, ever.

My junior year was probly the closest to God that I have ever been and my senior year was just meh.  Last week at the Father's House pastor Jeff talked about revival and I am so glad I took notes.  I needed to hear that very badly, to remind me what God has done for my life in the past and where he wants me to be.

I don't know how I am going to make it.  Which is perfect, cause I know in my head that I can't make it on my own, but I don't understand in my heart yet.  I think yesterday showed me a picture of what I can do to myself.  How I can ruin things.

I remember talking to Kati before she left for camp about how the week was going to be insanely hard and that she said I would survive just fine.  But then, as now, I didn't want to just survive.  I want my life to thrive, to leave a legacy, and I think this week is the beginning of that legacy.

Yes it's gonna be hard, and I'm going to hate some of it, but I need it.

Saturday, July 12, 2008



I really should have gone to work today, but now it's no longer worth the drive and such.  Humbugger.

I don't want to say I'm lazy, but holy cow, I don't wanna go anywhere right now.  I don't know what it is, I was fine yesterday morning at 5.  Maybe that is what did it to me.

Friday, July 11, 2008


Understanding is a confusing thing.  I don't understand what is not explained, but I can infer truth from my surroundings.  Unfortunately this only sometimes works with people.  Emotion is not something to be understood, because emotion is always changing.  It is the most unpredictable part of humanity.  Even the most logical person will fall to emotion.

But what about things that transcend emotion?  Love, hate, trust, faith, and commitment do not rely on emotion to work.  Many will argue that love is an emotion, but true love continues when the lust is gone.  Hate is something that may leave, just like love, but it is not fleeting like anger.  Trust, even thought it can be broken, and move beyond the pain of deception.  Faith, the belief in something unseen at the moment, does not rely on anything but itself.  Commitment by definition is something that is committed no matter what and I don't care if I used the word in the definition.

These things can be constant.  Strong emphasis on can.  Humanity is constant in one thing, their ability to fail.  So if we fail so flawlessly, what the heck is the point?

I think that Abbi is the point, even if she doesn't know it.  Hi Abbi!!


I recently stumbled upon youtube videos of this amazing guy named Jeff Dunham.  Holy cow, he's amazing.  Beware he cusses, but look him up.

Thursday, July 10, 2008


I love movies, I love editing them, critiquing them, but (there's always that butt that just gets in the way) I hate exporting them.

It never works like I think it should.  If I it in the timeline, thats how it should work.  If the quality is amazing in Final Cut, it should be amazing when I export it.  I don't understand why there are like 16 different export options for one video.  Shouldn't it be universal?

Now I understand that each one of these probably has some distinct and useful purpose, but I sure don't see the necessity of so many options.

I think one of the main problems is that I have never been taught how to export stuff and what everything actually means.  I have a vague idea of what goes on, but I have only ever been taught editing and such.

Wednesday, July 9, 2008

I am...

tired...and taking the day off because I have no ideas...

deal with it...

Tuesday, July 8, 2008


Time is not passing as fast as I would like.  It has been 45 hours doesn't seem so long on paper, but holy cow.  I want it to end, to be over, to rejoice again.  It is weird how poetic being vague is.  I really hope that my letter gets to it's destination on time.

In other news, Backpack Steve may have something wonderful in his future.  I am not at liberty to go too far into details, but if all goes according to plans, and he's not a total idiot, I think he will be very happy with the outcome.  I don't think he has any idea what is happening right under his feet though.  Kinda wish I could be there to see the look on his face when everything comes out in the open.  Mwahaha...

Monday, July 7, 2008


Poetry is an interesting thing.  Each word matters, each little detail that may seem insignificant adds or detracts from the meaning as a whole.  Very interesting medium nothing like novels.

As things have gotten more strange with my life I have begun to write more poetry.  I am blessed, cursed, broke and all that jazz and it all helps me to write from emotion.  Poetry is not dry, it is written from feelings not facts which is why it is so different than novels.  A poem can take 12 seconds to write, read or understand or this same poem can take months to perfect, consume or illuminate.  It is a strange thing poetry.

Because it flows from emotion poetry refuses to follow rules.  This aspect of being open and vague helps each reader to make poetry their own.  Their lives and perspective change the connotation of words and therefore the meaning as a whole, because each word relies on all the others to survive.

So try it out.  Write your own poetry and let your emotions run wild.  Or bottle up and explode on someone.  Thats fun, and I speak from experience here.

Sunday, July 6, 2008


Daylight is coming.  On the rays of the sun it soars.  Crushing and covering all with its beautiful, life altering hue.

And Remedy Drive, well they just rock.


I feel it, deep inside, and it's something I have never felt before.  I don't know how to say it, but the pangs are tangible.  It's like I've lost a piece of myself that only will come back sometime other than now.  How emotionally crappy this is.

I think that in the next months I will begin to understand, but I am not sure.  I've never been in this place before.  This serene glade.  I like it here, but I smell fear on the wind.  The future is uncertain and something big and dark is coming.

Friday, July 4, 2008


More poetry...titled Proof

I sit alone
in this cold dark world
a kind of myself
and contemplating
the inevitable fall
of my mind to insanity
oh people say I come so close
and I see things so far away
but who can truly know
if the mind is in control at all
for when I see
the majesty of nature
and the beauty that sits next to me
where can I find refuge
from the indisputable
fact that
I live
and yet I am not in control
for I have given that right to
someone of greater worth than I

Thursday, July 3, 2008


A poem I wrote a few years back about Undead...titled...Undead.

People say that undead don't exist
but I say different
Everyone I talk to says I'm crazy
that undead are just scary monsters made up for cruel jokes and to get your kids to go to bed
They say in their stand off superior way that the living dead are a lie
but as I walk through my school I see the truth
The undead are everywhere
looking back at me
I see the signs of such tragedy and this terrible atrocity
Soulless eyes staring
Lifeless and empty bodies wandering through life
Who can come and save them from the body of death?
What hero will return life to the lifeless?
Who will revoke this terrible curse?

Dearest Molly

I am sorry, but I must bid you a heartfelt farewell.  I love you very much, but circumstances pull us apart yet again.  During my journey I shall write, I promise, but do not fear if I am not heard from for many weeks.  No matter where I am my heart will be thinking of you, and wishing it was closer.  No matter what perils I come upon I will strive to return to your side, such that the pain of my departure shall be like a breath on the wind compared to our reunion.  I will never forget the joyous merriment that was born from our time together.

With love,


I think that I need to learn to have no expectations.  It will make life easier for everyone, but mostly me.  No expectations lowers the bar so much that anyone can jump over it, even donkeys with no knees.