Sigh...

It has been months since I've posted. Honestly the best thing that can get me to post is emotion, in any form. Could be anger, sadness, whatever. The leading cause of posting is emotion and right now I am not sure what I am.

I'm pissed, thats for sure. A little sad, and a little vengeful. A big problem I am finding is when people hurt the little lady that I love I am not always in a position to lash back at them and stick up for her. Oh, as of so far I am usually there, but the problem is that she would kill me if I lashed out at these people. So all I get to do is sit and wonder and comfort as my little lady gets emotionally trashed. Definitely sucks.

Long time

It's been a long while since I have sat down and taken the time to write.

Right now, I am sitting in class wishing I wasn't here.  Luckily there is wifi and all we're doing is watching Romancing the stone.  I wanted to write my dear Kati a letter but it is too dark with the lights down to write legibly.

I have my Visual Aesthetics class next, that should be interesting.  Turned in my demonstrating lighting project last night.  Some of the photo's are on facebook.

I don't have much to say.  No emotional issues popping up to deserve a long winded post.  I miss my lady friend.  I wish God would have it another way, but I know this is what he wants.  It's hard, but I know we are both going to grow so much through the pain.

At the end of the tunnel there is a bright bright beautiful light.

Judgements

There are two things right now that I could talk about.  One the fact that I am an extremely judgmental person and I hate that about myself, or God and Kati.  I feel that right now the second is too personal to share with complete strangers on the internet (if any complete strangers actually read this I would be very surprised, but the possibility still stands).

A little background on why I am even bringing up my judgmental tendencies.

Every sunday night from 8-9ish Biola has what is called a Singspiration, or Spo I believe.  From everything I have heard this is an awesome time of worship, and it was.  I believe from the bottom of my heart that worship does not depend on the band, who is singing or anything besides myself and God.

But.  And holy crap that is a big but.

I am a musician and a techie.  I notice everything; the tone of the singer, the rhythm of the drummer and the ability of the guitarists.  And with good bands and worship leaders I can usually tune the technical aspect of music out of my mind and focus on God, but mediocre bands or terrible bands really really distract me.

The sad thing?  I know that I am doing it.  I know when I am standing there singing and not worshipping and judging the people on stage.

Today I stood there and I listened to the drummer play.  I thought to myself many things about his ability and his heart and something struck me.  God does not care to what tune we worship, just that we do it.  I hate that I do this.  I hate that I can so easily be distracted from the worship of God by something so unimportant

Lyrics of the NETSD, Jesus paid it all

Jesus paid it all by Elvina M. Hall, 1865 (public domain)

I hear the Savior say,

"Thy strength indeed is small;

Child of weakness, watch and pray,

Find in Me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all,

All to him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.

Lord, now indeed I find

Thy pow'r, and Thine alone,

Can change the leper's spots

And melt the heart of stone.

And when before the throne

I stand in Him complete,

I'll lay my trophies down,

All down at Jesus' feet.

(just a note, there are more verses, but these are the most commonly sung today)

Unexpected confidence

It has been a big day.

I received an unexpected letter from Kati and I realized something.  The passion involved with the time spent writing a letter is beautiful.  With this in mind I have decided to pursue writing to her as much as I can, often I hope.  I don't want to put a schedule on it cause I know I will fail there, but I do plan on making it a habit.

Tonight's communion service in front of Metzger hall was really cool.  Very emotional.  Parents saying goodbye to their children.  Many tears.  Yes, I cried, and no it wasn't because my parents left and I won't see them for quite some time.  I cried because God is so good to me.  His grand scheme has led me to a school that will stretch me and grow me and love me like nothing I could imagine.

I had two complete strangers pray for me, and not just "give Ryan a good life" prayers.  These were heartfelt prayers that spoke to who I actually am and what God has in store for me.

I know God wants me here, but I have no idea what he wants me to do here.  Dr. Barry spoke on walking in faith today.  That God will carry us to completion because he loves us.  That Biola is committed to helping us grow spiritually and academically.  What hit me most was his comparison between Certainty and Confidence.

God calls us to be confident, but never certain.  We will never know exactly, but we can walk with faith.  In fact the latin root of confidence is con- (with) and some other thing which I have forgotten which means faith.  My bad.  My mind runs like a train and sometimes skips stations.

Anyway, tangent aside, I am stepping out in confidence, in faith, that I am supposed to be here and not at home, where it is comfortable.

Lyrics of the NETSD, Hold fast

Hold fast by Mercy Me

To everyone who's hurting

To those who've had enough

To all the undeserving

That should cover all of us

Please do not let go

I promise there is hope

Hold fast

Help is on the way

Hold fast

He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life

One thing greater than my strife

Is His grasp

So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?

Can we stop this ride?

Will we see the sun at last?

Or could this be our lot in life?

Please do not let go

I promise you there's hope

You may think your all alone

And there's no way that anyone could know

What you're going through

But if you only hear one thing

Just understand that we are all the same

Searching for the truth

The truth of what we're soon to face

Unless someone comes to take our place

Is there anyone?

All we want is to be free

Free from our captivity, Lord

Here He comes

Leaving

I have been so busy lately and haven't gotten around to posting anything of substance.  Sad, and I am sorry, but today I have something, and hopefully tomorrow I'll have more, etc.

Today, in 2 or so hours, I leave for Biola.

This has got to be one of the hardest things I have ever done and surprisingly not because I am leaving my family.

One of the things I realized after taking Kati home last night was that if she had not come into my life this summer I probably would have blown everything and everyone off a lot more and disappeared into college without a second thought.

But now, now I know I am coming back.

It's weird, cause I know I'm going to miss it, but I think the thing I will miss the most is the comfort here.  My life really hasn't changed that much for the past 6 years and now everything is changing.  I don't think I'm as scared as I should be.

Lyrics of the NETSD, Must have done something right

Must have done something right by Relient K

We should get jerseys

Cause we make a good team

But yours would look better than mine

Cause your out of my league

And I know that it's so cliche

To tell you that everyday

I spend with you is the new best day of my life

And everyone watching us

Just turns away with disgust

This jealousy

They can see that we've got it going on

I can not wait for a new improved way

To let you know you're more to me than what I know how to say

You're ok with the way this is going to be

Cause this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

If anyone could make me a better person, you could

All I gotta say is I must have done something good

You came along one day and you rearranged my life

All I gotta say is I must have done something right

I must have done something right

Maybe I'm just lucky

Cause it's hard to believe

That somebody like you'd end up with someone like me

And I know that it's so cliche

To talk to you this way

But I'll push all my inhibitions aside

It's so very obvious

To everyone watching us

That we have got something real good going on

I can not wait for a new improved way

To let you know you're more than I know how to say

You're ok with the way this is going to be

Cause this is going to be the best thing we've ever seen

Tickets

Well, bad news, I got a ticket today.  One of the weirdest things ever.

First off, I was in the total wrong.  The light was yellow, I thought I could make it, it turned red before I entered the intersection, I said screw it.  Next thing I see is 2 biker cops behind me.  Sigh.

What pisses me off the most is I have no one to blame but myself.  I hate being pissed at myself cause I have no way of getting rid of me.  There is no escape.  Sigh.

So my options are traffic school, pay the fine, or take it up with the court.  Now I probly could argue that I was within so much of the intersection and such, but with 2 cops against me I have no hope, and really I wouldn't believe myself.  Traffic school sounds like the best option, it's my first ticket and I can do the stuff online apparently.  I really don't want to have to pay, I am pretty sure my insurance will go up.

My dad mentioned something about losing our insurance.  He kinda ticks me off cause he is in no way encouraging.  I mean really, I get my first ticket and the thing you pretty much say is, "Crap, you may have made life more difficult for me." (Ryan's slightly embellished paraphrase)

There's nothing I can really do about losing the insurance.  The reality, I won't need it on my truck while I'm at Biola because I am not taking it with me.  It doesn't help that I have no idea what our insurance even does, or how I am tied to it.

I really hate being mad at myself.

Friendship

Friends are something that die hard.  They're something to cherish and love, they stick closer than a brother in hard times.

But.

They're also a pain in the butt.

Especially when said friends do not know when to let go, or how to actually be a good friend in return.

I have changed a lot in the past month.  Some things have come into perspective, my priorities have changed and to top it all off I am leaving in 3 weeks.  Scary stuff.  I am not going to see most of my high school friends for a long time.  It will take work on both parties to keep in touch and perpetuate the friendship past the trials of high school.

(Disclaimer, I was going to name some people.  I desperately love these people and I am good enough friends with them that I have a good idea what their motives, thoughts and feelings are.  I want the best for them.  I decided, code names are in order for their future social safety)

(I lied, I am not going to go into the gory details...tonight anyway)

Some of my friends just have no idea how to be a friend.  IE, I'm tired of doing all the work to sustain a friendship that will probly end when I leave for college.

There is really nothing left that I can do, it is no longer in my hands.  I don't really want the friendship to end, but I'm tired of investing in something with absolutely no return.  It's not like this has only been going on for a month or so.  I'm talking about all school year.

Sigh, all I can do now is pray and wait.  Lame.

Fear

Holy cow I have been afraid the past week.  I have a few reasons why, but last night at 2 AM I came to the realization that my fears are largely unfounded.

I am afraid that I am going to lose my lady friend.  There is absolutely no evidence for this, my mind is creating these ideas, because I have found something that I never want to lose, but I know that it is a definite possibility.  Some things just are out of my hands.

I am afraid I am going to ruin my future.  Now this may be well founded, I have issues, but the reality is life so far has equiped me well I think.  In no way am I prepared, but I have been given the necessities to survive.

I am also afraid God is going to take away the things I love.  And he might, but I know that he has only the best in store for me and even though at the moment it may seem like hell his plan is grander that whatever I see in front of me.

I have nothing to fear but fear itself.

Wild at heart

I've started reading Wild at heart and at the moment I am on chapter five.

I don't know what it is about this book but it really makes me want to get out and do things.  The things that every man wants to do, but maybe never does.  I want to learn to farm.  Both sides of my family have huge invested interest in agriculture.  My dad although a computer techi has worked on a farm and ranch.  It's one thing that I regret.  I have grown up missing something that almost calls from my heritage.  The outdoors, the animals and everything that goes along with relying on God to provide through nature are something that I have not truly been exposed to and I have no idea how I will ever gain this.

I want experience.  Truly, farming is not my passion, but it is something that I find represented in my father that he never passed on to me.  I have learned music, technology, math and many other things in his shadow.  Never have I learned them from him, but with the idea that he has something that I want.  I get the feeling that he has never given it to me.  That all the things I love, all the things I know how to do and all the things I want to do with my life have come from my own ability or someone besides my father.

John Eldredge talks about about the wound that a father gives to his son.  He mentions the idea that most men have this innate reaction to their fathers.  That they do not want to be like them.  I have said to myself before that I will never be like my father, but I know for a fact that even though my father has many things that I want.  Unfortunately I feel like it is too late for him to pass them on.

I want so desperately to be like him and different at the same time.  I want what he has, but I want to improve where he has failed.  I want my own life, I want my wound healed, I want to be God's man, but most of all, I want to be wild at heart.

I want to be unpredictably dangerous.  Not the kind of dangerous that destroys, but the dangerous that changes lives.  I know for a fact that Jesus never killed anyone, but he did force people to reevaluate their ideals.

I am again going to enter the trapping world of school, finance and work in a month.  I pray that I will not be bogged down by the pressures of this life, but set free through chaos.

Lyrics of the NETSD, Gone

Gone by Switchfoot

She told him she'd rather fix her makeup

Than try and fix what's going on

But the problem keeps on calling

Even with the cellphone gone

She told him that she believes in living

Bigger than she's living now

But her world keeps spinning backwards

And upsidedown

Don't say so long, and throw yourself wrong

Don't spend today away

Cuz today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,

Like history is

Gone, just trying to prove me wrong

And pretend like you're immortal

She said he said live like no tomorrow

Every day we borrow

Brings us one step closer to the edge

Where's your treasure, where's your hope

If you get the world and lose your soul

She pretends like she pretends she's immortal

Don't say so long

You're not that far gone

This could be your big chance to makeup

Today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone,

Like history is gone,

The world keeps spinning on,

Your going going gone,

Like summer break is gone.

Like saturday is gone

Just try and prove me wrong

You pretend like your immortal

We are not infinite

We are not permanent

Nothing is immediate

We're so confident

In our accomplishments

Look at our decadence

Gone, like Frank Sinatra

Like Elvis and his mom

Like Al Pacino's cash nothing lasts in this life

My highschool dreams are gone

My childhood sweets are gone

Life is a day that doesn't last long

Life is more than money

Time was never money

Time was never cash,

Life is still more than girls

Life is more than hundred dollar bills

And roto-tom fills

Life's more than fame and rock and roll and thrills

All the riches of kings

End up in wills we got information in the information age

But do we know what life is

Outside of our convenient Lexus cages

She said he said live like no tomorrow

Every moment that we borrow

Brings us closer to the God who's not short on cash

Hey Bono I'm glad you asked

Life is still worth living, life is still worth living

Diseased

I have a problem.

Not severely life threatening, but it definitely affects me in ways I do not understand.

I get depressed.  Now the first time I heard of people getting depressed regularly, or when it was first mentioned as a problem people might have that won't go away, I was skeptical.  I mean really, people who just get sad for no reason over and over without any obvious trigger?  Poppycock.

But the reality is, depression is a problem.  One I only half know how to deal with.  I don't really have a clue what it stems from and I don't really like to think about it, but sometimes it just hits me.

Take today for example.  My lady friend and I have a lovely breakfast at Panera.  Thats probly the second time that we have been able to get away from people we know in public and just hang out.  It was loads of fun.  My day is going great and then around 2 o'clock I get hit by this wall.  Major joy sucker, and it isn't the first time this has happened to me, where my day is going great and I just crash.

The best way I have found to deal with depression is take my focus off of me.  The last thing I need is pity in those moments because that will only make it worse.  I need to shift my eyes from my wallowing wretch of a mud heap onto something bigger than myself.

The radio in these times is a wonderful way to be blessed.  When the song choice is left up to God he sends me exactly what I need for that moment.

It also helps to sing your heart out at the top of your lungs, so if you saw a guy who looked like he was insane driving a red pickup around 5:50 today, I'm sorry I startled you.  Get over it.

And so now, at 7 PM, I am perfectly fine.  Strange how God works eh?

Lyrics of the NETSD, Hey Jude

Hey Jude by The Beatles

Hey Jude, don't make it bad.

Take a sad song and make it better.

Remember to let her into your heart, 

Then you can start to make it better.

Hey Jude, don't be afraid.

You were made to go out and get her.

The minute you let her under your skin,

Then you will begin to make it better.

And anytime you feel the pain, hey Jude, refrain,

Don't carry the world upon your shoulders.

For well you know that its a fool who plays it cool

By making his world a little colder.

Hey Jude, don't let me down.

You have found her, now go and get her.

Remember to let her into your heart,

Then you can start to make it better.

So let it out and let it in, hey Jude, begin,

You're waiting for someone to preform with.

And don't you know that it's just you, hey Jude, you'll do,

The movement you need is on your shoulder.

Lyrics of the NETSD, Daylight

Daylight by Remedy Drive

Has everything you've counted on

Left you right here with no warning

Have your dreams become invisible

Wait with me dear till the morning

Light will make the night burnout

Hold on

Daylight is coming

To break the dawn

Daylight is coming

The brightest stars are falling down

Is hope lost in the black skies

The darkness must precede the dawn

Wait with me here till the sunrise

Wait, your night will soon fade out

Hold on

Daylight is coming

To break the dawn

Daylight is coming

Daylight is coming

Shock value

Muse, April 28, 2008

I am a shocker.  I like to shock people.  I love to see the surprised, doomed look on people's faces when the unexpected comes.  I have a few accomplices in my war on the mundane.  Coleton sings in Calculus, Suzanna eats bugs and Spencer, well Spencer just disappears during group photos.  But what motivates us besides the immediate pained expression?

Is it the joy of the moment, the fact that no one, including ourselves, knows what is coming next or is it fear?

I really settle with the later.  I, no everyone, fears.  We all crave the acceptance from someone and surprise is just a way of grasping for a little signal, a laugh or a smile.

So next time I surprise you withe something equally random, be prepared and share the love.

Everyday I dream

Muse, April 28, 2008

I dream.  I really do.  I can't even tell if this is a problem or not.  I just drift off, lose focus and disappear into my own reality.  It's actually pretty fun, who else can go "save (insert female here), save the world" besides Link or Hiro?

Unfortunately reality does not support such fantastic dreams.  Reality is stuck, unchanging.  Kinda creates a boring world right?

Hah, now there I have you.  this world is anything but boring.  I can't even breathe for more than 10 minutes without randomly stumbling somewhere I do not belong.  So what's the real point of TV, books, comics, video games and movies?  Obviously it's an escape from reality, but with reality just as painful and exciting as what people can dream up, why settle for nothing less than both?

As the crow flies

Muse, April 3, 2008

Recently while driving to Night of the Stars the inhabitants of my Astro Van described me as lost.  Now I've driven downtown before, but I don;t know the street names or general location of anything besides the Courthouse, Chukchansi Park and the Hospital.  I find my way mostly by memory and area recognition.  I knew exactly where I was, but not where I was going.

But here's where the conflict lies.  I had to fight a basic carnal instinct of males everywhere.  I asked for directions.  I admit it, I failed my maile brethren everywhere.  I confess it will be a long road of recovery but I am sure I will be able to pick my pride out of the dirt and dust it off.

I could have printed directions off of Google, Fresno Christian could have better advertised the locale of the event (we had trouble finding the dining place even though I knew where the Wilson theater is) or I could have driven with more knowledgeable companions.  Being under the influence of testosterone pretty much removed all of these options.

Luckily I had my handy dandy cell phone.  I called and I got, well, I got nothing.  My admission of failure was met with little to no help.  I don't blame my dad, but he's a lot like I am.  He had to be there and see the streets, buildings and hobos.

Eventually I found it.  I made the turn, looked over my shoulder and saw the glorious sun setting over a parking spot across from Wilson Theater.  So next time you know exactly where you are but no idea where you are going, don't worry.  Eventually the destination will be found.

The end is just beginning

Muse, April 1st, 2008

Night of the Stars is over.  The awards have been doled out and the seniors actually did well for themselves with five trophies this year.  Being so involved with this year's production definitely cut down on my homework and free time, but I thought it would get easier now that it's over.

Unfortunately it seems that this last big push won't end till May 23.  I would really love to have less stress but most of my workload and problems stem from school-related activities.  Our journalism competition ends Friday and I have a hardcopy deadline on Friday along with the next piece of our senior project.  On top of all of that I have yet to start my SlickRock competition commercial which is due on Thursday.

Not to sound arrogant, I have really brought all of this down on myself, but I know that other students have the same problems right now.  For seniors college is looming, for other students sports and extracurricular activities and on top of everything finals will appear quickly and suddenly.

I don't want less work.  All of the things I need to do are necessary, but the last thing I need is more.  I am sure I could organize everything in a tight schedule so that I get everything done on time, but where would the fun in that be?