Sigh...

It has been months since I've posted. Honestly the best thing that can get me to post is emotion, in any form. Could be anger, sadness, whatever. The leading cause of posting is emotion and right now I am not sure what I am.

I'm pissed, thats for sure. A little sad, and a little vengeful. A big problem I am finding is when people hurt the little lady that I love I am not always in a position to lash back at them and stick up for her. Oh, as of so far I am usually there, but the problem is that she would kill me if I lashed out at these people. So all I get to do is sit and wonder and comfort as my little lady gets emotionally trashed. Definitely sucks.

Long time

It's been a long while since I have sat down and taken the time to write.

Right now, I am sitting in class wishing I wasn't here.  Luckily there is wifi and all we're doing is watching Romancing the stone.  I wanted to write my dear Kati a letter but it is too dark with the lights down to write legibly.

I have my Visual Aesthetics class next, that should be interesting.  Turned in my demonstrating lighting project last night.  Some of the photo's are on facebook.

I don't have much to say.  No emotional issues popping up to deserve a long winded post.  I miss my lady friend.  I wish God would have it another way, but I know this is what he wants.  It's hard, but I know we are both going to grow so much through the pain.

At the end of the tunnel there is a bright bright beautiful light.

Judgements

There are two things right now that I could talk about.  One the fact that I am an extremely judgmental person and I hate that about myself, or God and Kati.  I feel that right now the second is too personal to share with complete strangers on the internet (if any complete strangers actually read this I would be very surprised, but the possibility still stands).

A little background on why I am even bringing up my judgmental tendencies.

Every sunday night from 8-9ish Biola has what is called a Singspiration, or Spo I believe.  From everything I have heard this is an awesome time of worship, and it was.  I believe from the bottom of my heart that worship does not depend on the band, who is singing or anything besides myself and God.

But.  And holy crap that is a big but.

I am a musician and a techie.  I notice everything; the tone of the singer, the rhythm of the drummer and the ability of the guitarists.  And with good bands and worship leaders I can usually tune the technical aspect of music out of my mind and focus on God, but mediocre bands or terrible bands really really distract me.

The sad thing?  I know that I am doing it.  I know when I am standing there singing and not worshipping and judging the people on stage.

Today I stood there and I listened to the drummer play.  I thought to myself many things about his ability and his heart and something struck me.  God does not care to what tune we worship, just that we do it.  I hate that I do this.  I hate that I can so easily be distracted from the worship of God by something so unimportant

Lyrics of the NETSD, Jesus paid it all

Jesus paid it all by Elvina M. Hall, 1865 (public domain)

I hear the Savior say,

"Thy strength indeed is small;

Child of weakness, watch and pray,

Find in Me thine all in all

Jesus paid it all,

All to him I owe;

Sin had left a crimson stain,

He washed it white as snow.

Lord, now indeed I find

Thy pow'r, and Thine alone,

Can change the leper's spots

And melt the heart of stone.

And when before the throne

I stand in Him complete,

I'll lay my trophies down,

All down at Jesus' feet.

(just a note, there are more verses, but these are the most commonly sung today)

Unexpected confidence

It has been a big day.

I received an unexpected letter from Kati and I realized something.  The passion involved with the time spent writing a letter is beautiful.  With this in mind I have decided to pursue writing to her as much as I can, often I hope.  I don't want to put a schedule on it cause I know I will fail there, but I do plan on making it a habit.

Tonight's communion service in front of Metzger hall was really cool.  Very emotional.  Parents saying goodbye to their children.  Many tears.  Yes, I cried, and no it wasn't because my parents left and I won't see them for quite some time.  I cried because God is so good to me.  His grand scheme has led me to a school that will stretch me and grow me and love me like nothing I could imagine.

I had two complete strangers pray for me, and not just "give Ryan a good life" prayers.  These were heartfelt prayers that spoke to who I actually am and what God has in store for me.

I know God wants me here, but I have no idea what he wants me to do here.  Dr. Barry spoke on walking in faith today.  That God will carry us to completion because he loves us.  That Biola is committed to helping us grow spiritually and academically.  What hit me most was his comparison between Certainty and Confidence.

God calls us to be confident, but never certain.  We will never know exactly, but we can walk with faith.  In fact the latin root of confidence is con- (with) and some other thing which I have forgotten which means faith.  My bad.  My mind runs like a train and sometimes skips stations.

Anyway, tangent aside, I am stepping out in confidence, in faith, that I am supposed to be here and not at home, where it is comfortable.

Lyrics of the NETSD, Hold fast

Hold fast by Mercy Me

To everyone who's hurting

To those who've had enough

To all the undeserving

That should cover all of us

Please do not let go

I promise there is hope

Hold fast

Help is on the way

Hold fast

He's come to save the day

What I've learned in my life

One thing greater than my strife

Is His grasp

So hold fast

Will this season ever pass?

Can we stop this ride?

Will we see the sun at last?

Or could this be our lot in life?

Please do not let go

I promise you there's hope

You may think your all alone

And there's no way that anyone could know

What you're going through

But if you only hear one thing

Just understand that we are all the same

Searching for the truth

The truth of what we're soon to face

Unless someone comes to take our place

Is there anyone?

All we want is to be free

Free from our captivity, Lord

Here He comes

Leaving

I have been so busy lately and haven't gotten around to posting anything of substance.  Sad, and I am sorry, but today I have something, and hopefully tomorrow I'll have more, etc.

Today, in 2 or so hours, I leave for Biola.

This has got to be one of the hardest things I have ever done and surprisingly not because I am leaving my family.

One of the things I realized after taking Kati home last night was that if she had not come into my life this summer I probably would have blown everything and everyone off a lot more and disappeared into college without a second thought.

But now, now I know I am coming back.

It's weird, cause I know I'm going to miss it, but I think the thing I will miss the most is the comfort here.  My life really hasn't changed that much for the past 6 years and now everything is changing.  I don't think I'm as scared as I should be.